Why I don’t go out 

I found this post recently. Apparently, I wrote it but never posted. I think it’s important to know a little about me so I’m going to share. You may not feel it in here but I was in a really bad bad bad place at the time. I’m better now, just kidding, I’m still in a bad place just cover it better now.

Hey, pretty baby. Yeah its been awhile but I must not have had a lot of things to say. But let me tell you I recently went out. Naw just kidding I’m out now, and I wanted to let you know about how awesome it was. Totally kidding it was painful! Anyone who knows me knows I hate going out. I have a bit of agoraphobia so going out and “hanging” with people isn’t my thing. You are lucky you can get me to go to work, but I digress.

So recently my sister-in-law’s bday. She’s okay but for the fact, ​she HAS to be the center of attention. If she is not, well no there isn’t a time where she isn’t.  So anyway, we are hanging out with several people out of the 11 people, and I know my sister-in-law, her daughter and almost another woman there. Well all the single ladies get extremely excited when we get a message that a woman we are picking up is bringing two guys, a picture is sent, and everyone goes crazy cause he’s apparently hot. I’m not allowed to see (i.e. I’m too fat and black, black girls don’t get the hot guys). Trust me, show me a movie where the black girl got the hot guy and I’ll show you a poorly constructed movie cause they can’t do it.

How you ever realized you were the day chic?  The useless person?  The one no one cares about it’s a little disconcerting to realize. That you are the one that no one cares about. That you are the one they brought along cause they had to cause there was no one else. I try not to get pissed. I try not to get upset, but it is so damned hard.  It is next to impossible. Next to impossible to realize that besides being the most visible, the most memorable, you are the one everyone chooses to ignore. To hell, you say, you don’t get ignored. I call bullshit.  The black girl is usually ignored because people are either they are ‘afraid of a girl like that’ or they don’t know ‘what to say’ to them.

Wow, why does this upset me so? This happens every time I go out. Well, the few times I’ve gone out. Twice it’s​ happened twice. I’ve been treated like this before. I should be used to it or at least not used to it but tolerant of it. But I’m not. When do you think it will change. Keep in mind it is most likely cause I’m old and not cause you’re I’m black and I have total resting bitch face. It’s because you are no longer fuckable. Does that make you feel better?​ Not really, although that should. I’m not fuckable and haven’t been for about 10? 15? years when did this happen? When did I go from fuckable to writing about fuckable people?​  Maybe you should get used to that. Not fuckable. Be happy, no more playing, awkward flirting, you are with someone who loves you, (won’t or can’t duck you) but loves you. Yeah

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